Many, many years ago, I wanted to play and create with two of my dearest friends. They responded with, "We're too old to do that." It was in this moment I stopped acting so silly, abandoning parts of myself to gain someone else's acceptance.
I hold a flame... the feeling that our individual and collective purpose on Earth is for something far greater than we can imagine. I hear a soft voice of spirit. When I doubted her message, I called myself crazy, I began to doubt this mysterious, kind "voice."
I started to act out these stories that I thought belonged to me. I longed to fit in. My self-worth was based off pleasing others. I became hyper attuned to others' people's problems, their lives, because their voice was louder than the inner one I was learning to suppress. I was abandoning myself.
My "supposed-to-be" identity didn't sustain me, I didn't have the energy to move forward anymore. My lifestyle was fun, but it didn't feel like energized living. After a drug overdose that landed me in a coma, I vowed to stop ignoring my pain, and face her. It was at this time, my doctor recommended I try yoga. Slowly slowly, I started to recognize myself again.
"body feelings are scary, if I push them away maybe I'll get rid of them," I thought.
I picked up habits by listening to my whispering Self: Sharing conversation with my body, moving her for fun not punishment, making sense of my thoughts through writing, learning how to make food taste the way I wanted to feel. I felt best when I did what my spirit craved, rather than what I thought I was supposed to. It is safe, she said, to shut my eyes and withdraw momentarily to be with my body.
The more quiet I became, the more I was forced to be with the darkness that naturally came up when I finally showed my body the attention she had been requesting.
Today, I actively attune a direct line to my inner voice and greater universal spirit. The pains inevitably arise. Still, I practice showing up. I practice self-forgiveness. I practice tenderness with myself. Sometimes it's an immense challenge that takes over my life. Other times it's effortless...though it's always worth it 'cause I get to be more like the ME I was born to be.
in heart and mind,
Herbal Gardener, Writer
Natural Foods Chef and Consultant
Kundalini Yoga Teacher
Energy Medicine Worker