When I was a child, two friends I love deeply told me I was acting immature when I wanted us to play and create together, like we'd always done up until then. They surprised me by saying, "We're too old to do that." It was in this moment I unknowingly stopped acting so silly and I started to get serious.
It's all I've ever known... the feeling that our individual and collective purpose on Earth is for something far greater than we can imagine. I could hear a soft voice of spirit, though that whisper didn't always integrate with what was being shared by the people around me. I told myself I was crazy/weird/introverted, I began to doubt this mysterious, kind "voice."
I started to act out these stories that were told to me. I longed to fit in. My self-worth was based off pleasing others. I became hyper attuned to others' people's problems, their lives, because their voice was louder than the inner one I was learning to suppress. This whole time I was abandoning myself.
My "supposed-to-be" identity didn't sustain me, I didn't have the energy to move forward anymore. My lifestyle was fun, but it didn't feel like energized living. After a drug overdose that landed me in a coma, I vowed to stop ignoring my pain, and face her. It was at this time, my doctor recommended I try yoga. Slowly slowly, I started to recognize myself again.
"body feelings are scary, if I push them away maybe I'll get rid of them," I thought.
I picked up some habits out of desperation and listening to my whispering Self: Sharing conversation with my body, journaling, learning how to make food taste the way I wanted to feel. I felt best when I did what my spirit craved, rather than what I thought I was supposed to. It is safe, she said, to shut my eyes and withdraw momentarily to be with my body. I've learned that big change doesn't happen over-night, and how to not beat myself up about it.
The more quiet I became, the more I was forced to be with the darkness that naturally came up when I finally showed my body the attention she had been requesting.
Today, I actively attune a direct line to my inner voice and greater universal spirit. The pains inevitably arise. Still, I practice how to listen for the underlying message. I practice self-forgiveness. I practice tenderness with myself. Sometimes it's an immense challenge that takes over my life. other times it's effortless...however it's always worth it 'cause I get to be more like the ME I was born to be.
If it weren't for those who have helped hold me and guide me through this process, I would not feel the level of trust within myself that keeps me moving forward. And just as I have been supported, I am now asking how may I support you on your journey? Please share with me! I look forward to connecting~
in heart and mind,
Gardener, Artist, Writer
Transformational Nutrition Coach
Kundalini Yoga Teacher