The last two days have been HARD. I felt acutely aware of my anxious thoughts, worries and concerns about future events, keeping me out of the present moment. And even though I could feel universe showing me something important, revealing parts of myself to myself, I still was unwilling and resistant to facing this. I avoided my daily practices, or I begrudgingly faced them. I moved into old tactics to self-soothe and keep me from facing myself.
-avoiding phone calls
-obsessive compulsive behaviors
-blaming the behaviour on something, like the moon
-online window shopping (it’s a weird non-committal, boredom habit)
I usually land on the avoidance end of the spectrum. Though I really do believe it’s because I need more support! I’d like to call on my community more, but I sometimes feel uncomfortable/ don’t always know for what/question how I'll be received/am I allowed to feel weakness? Maybe this is where faith comes in. I personally love when a friend asks me specifically for help. If we really genuinely support our brothers and sisters, I think we could hold our breath longer when we’re underwater. We might not sink next time we jump in the water and forget what to do down there. Could it be we’ve always been scared of the great open ocean? Though once we feel the glorious water and beautiful fishies and that our friends and family are right next to us, hanging out on the shore...do you get the metaphor?!
Ok so let's continue. I'm talking to my friend Sara (it took a lot to answer the phone and make a plan). She tells me she’s been in a funk these last two days too. AHH the relief of I’M NOT ALONE UNDER WATER!! But I'm sorry you are suffering too... let's help each other.
We both felt like lounging around and being snack-asaurs, but we knew we’d feel better getting outside and walking. Thank GOD we did. Even though I maybe felt 20-30% better, it was OK. I realize that sometimes I expect myself to jump from depressing lows to happiest highs. Like, if I’m down low, I shame myself for being down there. And that I should try to “fix” it with “healthy” techniques like pranayama or green drinks or working out.
I’m not saying one way is right or wrong, but I guess I’d like to keep at this whole balancing act thing. Maybe it’s my Libra moon (am I blaming the moon again?!) Either way, I like to think that if I'm in a funk, I know it will change in 2/2.5 days (again a moon cycle!) and I know I will get out of it and be onto new experiences. I learn a lot about this through my teachers. How graceful can we remain during the tough times? How do we enter and exit a challenge? and if we DO regress and turn to old destructive habits, how do we recover with a swiftness?
My phone buzzes, another dear sister is feeling off too! ahh the relief of suffering together.
Let us not bare this burden alone! Let us ask for help when we need it! Let us stop feeling guilty for asking for what we need, even if we don't really know what that is quite yet.